Yup, you can just call me Faithful Anxiety Scribbler! Because I’m having one of those days where I feel paralyzed with it.
I dont know if it’s a real tangible mental health problem, or just one of those phases everybody goes through. I suspect it’s just your average, every day, situational anxiety.
But it’s making me gain weight like nobody’s business! The diet of October was an epic-fail– I think I’ve put on ten pounds at least since then, which gives me about 40 pounds to take back off. Sigh.
But all I do is sit at home, play with the Little Scribbler, and get fatter by the minute. It’s all I can do some days to keep this apartment clean (and by “clean” I mean one step above bio-hazard standards!)
I dont want to leave the house, because leaving the house costs money, and money is something we are in short supply of at the moment…well, pretty much since we moved here.
Moving cost us about $5000 we didnt have. In addition to that, we had $6200 in out of pocket medical expenses this year. The Auditor got a raise when we moved here– but his pay is figured differently, so our monthly take home pay is the same as it was back in New York. We’ve had to take out a personal loan and we’re only able to make the minimum payments on it to pay it back. There are bills I cant pay on time– there are some medical bills STILL rolling in that we cant pay AT ALL until we get our tax refund back– which means I actually had a collections agency call the house this morning. Which was mortifying….and caused a spike in anxiety that has sent me here, to the couch, on the computer, spilling my guts to you, the reading public, about the intimate details of my finances. Because it feels better to just tell someone that we are SWAMPED. That our only hope is the anticipated enormous tax refund. That buying a house is in jeopardy because our credit will probably take a hit between now and the time we apply for our mortgage. That the thought of even APPLYING for more debt (mortgage) makes me sick to my stomach. That we’re probably at least three months away from even starting the adoption process in any earnest, and even if we ARE out of this hole by then, we STILL have to raise the $5000 to start the process.
I know I am very blessed– I know my little family is awesome! I know we are hungry, and sheltered, and warm, and I have very little to complain about.
But in trying to stay positive and not complain, I have bottled up this financial stress to the breaking point and some days, like today, I am a mess, because I have become the kind of person who pays her bills late. And that is humiliating. And so I’m telling you about it to make myself feel better. (Yeah, I didnt say it made any sense!)
The worst part is that my husband works a GODO job, with GOOD benefits, and he works HARD! He’s a professional and he gives up everything for us so that I can stay home and raise our daughter myself, and manage her developmental issues myself, without relying on paid childcare. We are responsible people. We never shop, we rarely travel, we dont go to the movies or buy expensive things (with the exception of $200 in Christmas toys for the Little Scribbler, which was probably overboard). I buy Little Scribblers clothes second hand. We all use the same, manly smelling soap. I buy the 99 cent shampoo and while we eat quite well, I manage to keep the grocery budget to about 50 bucks a week (because I am an awesome, coupon clipping, dollar stretching MIRACLE worker!) I really DONT think we live above our means– except with all these moving and medical and automotive bills in the last six months, EVERYTHING seems to be above our means.
I need to stop complaining now. It does feel better to get it off my chest tho.