Wow. This day started out pretty good and ended up fairly unpleasant.
Today was Mother’s Day at the Casa de Scribbler. Much of what we wanted to do is only open on Saturdays (like visit the library), plus, everyplace is crowded on the actual, holiday, and LS doesn’t do too well in crowds.
So the Library visit was very successful. The playground trip was good. The Houlihan’s lunch was good. Then I went to church…
Sounds weird right? That something unpleasant could occur during mass? Well hold on to your hats kids, because here we go…
I tend to go to the 5pm mass alone, and then we all go as a family on Sunday morning– this way, both the Auditor and myself get to fully participate in mass. Since I’ve already heard it once, I can wrangle the Little Scribbler, help her learn to sit still and behave herself, without missing out on anything spiritually. So off I go to the 5pm today– a full day BEFORE Mother’s Day.
And yet, the homily given (by a priest I generally enjoy listening too very much!) was, of course, Mother’s Day themed. And not just in a generic sense, but rather, in a very triggering, personal, heart ache inducing sense.
1.”The greatest thing ever built is not a great cathedral, but rather, the body a mother builds to be a vessel for the soul of her child” (paraphrased).
2. “The greatest gift a mother gives her child is life”. (direct quote)
3. “A mother’s best gift to God is to create Little Saints for Him” (direct quote).
Ok let’s examine point number 1. Well, the only child I’m mothering’s soul is encased in a vessel I didnt build. Not only that, but the vessels I’ve created for my three Little Saints in heaven have been so inadequate that all three babies died in utero. HELLO, feelings of inadequacy, I’ve missed you so!
Point number 2– well, I certainly didn’t give the Little Scribbler life, and again, the lives I attempted to create were cut very VERY short. So I’m doing a great job at giving me children the best gift a mother can. Awesome.
Point number 3– I’m not entirely certain I’m failing at this one actually. I HAVE created Little Saints for God. But the next line of the homily, about raising those saints to know and love and serve God? Yeah, not so much.
Throughout this entire homily, I had to physically restrain myself from fleeing the building. I was sitting right next to a door– I could have made a swift exit and cried the whole six block walk home. Staying seated was an effort of herculean proportions.
To wrap up this lovefest, we offered a prayer for all mothers who have lost children…at which point what I lost was control and started to cry. I havent cried in church in a long time– I hate doing it. At that point I figured it couldn’t get any worse, so I decided to settle in and finish out the mass– after all, Mass is about Jesus, not about me. I’m not sure I paid Him the attention He deserves after that homily though…
I’m not sure I can endure this again tomorrow morning. I’m trying to muster up t he strength to do it because I know Little Scribbler with love the part where all the mothers stand up and get applauded, and I know she’ll get a kick out of buying me a flower. Really, Mother’s Day is more about her than it is about me…but I want it noted to all the adults, that I am participating under silent protest.
Then, just to REALLY drive the point home, when I stopped out front to get the mail, I discovered medical bills of an astronomical sum. Once again, it appears my fantastic and very expensive insurance only covers maternity care if you deliver a live child. If you don’t, they back bill you for your office visits and blood work and hospital stay. I’m not sure I have the emotional reserves to fight this battle, and yet, if I dont fight it, we’re going to be in a pretty bad way at the Casa de Scribbler…*sigh*. I guess I’ll put that battle off until Monday…
Ok, whiney cry-fest is over now. I’m sure I’ll gain some perspective about the whole thing and go back to my usually upbeat self, but at the moment, I really do want to throw things and punch holes in walls…Anybody got any dry wall they need demo’d? :)