Here again I find myself faced with a dilemma. Fortunately, this particular dilemma needs no decision any time in the near future so I have lots of time to ponder it and collect opinions.
We’ve been taking some time lately to research the Little Scribbler’s biological family. We do have a very open relationship with her natural mother, YankeeFan, however, YankeeFan was herself a foster child, and she knows next to nothing about her own biological family.
What we have not had, is any direct or indirect contact with Little Scribbler’s natural father. For a plethora of reasons, least of all being his lack of desire, he is not involved in the Little Scribbler’s life. YankeeFan describes him as something of an unsavory character. That being said, he is still LS’s biological father, and he is very noticeably absent from her life (noticeably because her biological mother is VERY present in our lives).
We want the Litttle Scribbler to have as much information as we can give her, should she some day have a desire to research her own biological heritage. We dont ever want her to feel any sort of emptiness or unfulfilled questions, so we’re trying to put as many puzzle peices together as we can at the moment. Then one day when she’s ready, or if she’s interested, we’ll have something to share with her– plus, YankeeFan would like to know more about her own history, and unfortunately doesnt have access to the internet or other resources through which to find out.
Now as it happens, my own mother is fairly obsessed with geneology and has traced both sides of my family back about 15 generations. As a result, I’m fairly familiar with how to go about locating someone who is “missing”, and/or figuring out who the parents were from the children’s names and approximate ages.
So anyway, I found him. Little Scribbler’s natural father. I mean, we always knew where he WAS (because he currently lives in an institution), but rather, I found him online. And by finding him online, I’ve found his extended family– his parents and brother and aunt. And also…certain parts of his arrest record.
Naturally the last thing we want to do is introduce a dangerous presence into our lives– and from what we understand (which is very little and only told to us by third parties), he isn’t someone we want to have direct contact with. That pretty much rules out contacting Little Scribbler’s biological grandparents because it’s just too risky.
But I can track their addresses on the internet. I’ll know if they move. I can keep tabs on them until such time as LS is an adult. Frankly the grandparents are in their 70s already and may not be living by the time Little Scribbler is a legal adult. But her natural father likely will be.
Do we keep him a faceless nameless person because of the danger? Do we tell her, should she ever ask, that we know where he is but we’re not willing to share until she’s a legal adult? Do we share with her the nature of why he is so dangerous? Will she even care? Would it even matter? Will she never ask?
We’re keeping a file for her, of everything we were told when we adopted her, everything YankeeFan has shared with us since, and everything we’ve discovered on our own. Some things in the file are big events, and some are tiny details, that might be insignificant, or might really be appreciated. We’ve written down an account of her birth, an accoutn of meeting YankeeFan, and some other details from her early life that she’ll likely not remember.
It’s hard to guess what might be important to her some day. I just don’t want to be emptyhanded should she someday be searching for something…so I guess for now that info goes in the file, and we’ll decide what to do with it later on. It’s her information, and my gut tells me that she’s got a right to it, once she reaches an appropriate age.
What do you think?