Today, March 18th, is the Little Scribbler’s third birthday.
Three years ago today, I was standing in a laundromat in Bayside, NY. It was a sunday afternoon around 1230PM. The Auditor and I were folding– we were almost finished and ready to head home. My cell phone rang.
It was a social worker. She was telling us that Little Scribbler’s natural mother, YankeeGirl, was heading to the hospital– her water had broken. I was stunned…and I wanted to vomit. The moment had come. Little Scribbler was making her way into the world!
It was a difficult balance to strike– overwhelming, over powering joy!– and yet, caution. Little Scribbler wasn’t my baby. I wasn’t her mother. YankeeGirl was her mother– her only mother. If YankeeGirl followed through with her plan, and placed Little Scribbler in our home, as our child, her life would never be the same. Her heart would break into a thousand, irreparable peices. She would be forced to part with her own flesh and blood– the child of her own body. Knowing what we knew– knowing Little Scribbler wasn’t ours until the moment the papers were signed and the revocation period was over– we guarded our joyous hearts. YankeeGirl was just any other pregnant woman about to give birth to HER daughter. And I was nothing– certainly not a mother in any sense of the word. On my daughter’s day of birth, I was not her mother. Should I achieve my motherhood, it would come at a terrible, life altering, spirit shattering price for another mother.
At 5:17 PM, Little Scribbler entered the world via emergency C-section. A few hours later, her mother had a social worker call to ask us to come to the hospital the next day to meet her. That 24 hours was the longest day of my entire life! On March 19th, at 730PM, we met the Little Scribbler for the first time. The Auditor held her first– in fact I had to nag him for almost ten minutes before he would give her up and let me hold the child who is now my daughter for the first time!
YankeeGirl placed Little Scribbler in our home, as our child. Little Scribbler has been the biggest blessing of my life– she brings me joy every single day! Today, on her third birthday, my heart is breaking for her other mother– for the mother she doenst see every day. The mother who doesnt kiss boo-boos. The mother who cant wipe tears, or teach manners, or hear first words. The mother who suffers because her child is my child, and knows ME as her momma. The mother who WAS her mother on the day she was born.
YankeeGirl is a part of Little Scribbler’s life– we visit her frequently and speak to her regularly. I know that today is going to be an excruciating day for her. I feel guilty because I have what she is lacking. I feel guilty that I get to make birthday cake, and blow up balloons, and wrap toy farm animals. I get to see the joy on Little Scribblers face as she blows out the candles, and see her eyes light up when she unwraps rubber cows and chickens.
And then sometimes the guilt gets boxed up and put aside. I am so thankful and blessed to have my Little Scribbler! I have spent the last three years living the dream– being a mother to an awesome, funny, ridiculous kid! How did I get this lucky?! The joy overpowers the guilt. We’re taking Little Scribbler to the zoo for her birthday, so she can see the animals and ride a pony. I can not wait to share that experience with her!
Happy Birthday, my Little Scribbler! Today you are three. For three years I have loved you. For many more will I love you! On this day, many many people are thinking of you, and loving you! Happy Birthday!!