So first we have no idea how to finance it. Then we finally find someone in NY who will do an independent homestudy for us. Then we move to Maryland and have to throw away the money we spent in NY on our homestudy. Then we have to wait six months to have “residency” in the new state. Then we start another homestudy. Then we dont know how to pay the huge placement fee. Then we figure out how to pay for that and five seconds later the agency calls and says they arent going to offer full services any more.

All the while we’ve had all these issues come up with Little Scribbler and I’ve been thinking to myself, “This must be why God is delaying our adopting– so that we have time to focus on Little Scribbler and get her on the right track before NewBaby comes home.” Now I have to wonder if NewBaby is EVER coming home, or if Little Scribbler is going to be an only child. Maybe she is– maybe that’s what God wants for us. To be honest with you (and with myself) I wouldn’t really know because I haven’t bothered to ask Him.

Catholic Charities will still do our homestudy. Once the homestudy is done, we can send it to other agencies (provided I can find any that are ethical, which is harder than you’d think it would be), and organizations trying to place children who are already waiting.

The Auditor is feeling slightly discouraged, and I’m trying to be positive, but there is a tiny little bit of defeatedness back there hiding in the dark, cobwebby corner of my mind. Little Scribbler’s friends are all becoming big brothers and sisters, and she is starting to really want to be one too!

I must keep reminding myself that God’s delays are not always God’s denials.

And now that she’s asleep, I can get on with the work that needs doing. Her little Easter treats are in a basket on the kitchen counter. Her clothes are pressed and hanging for church in the morning. Her breakfast is ready and waiting in the fridge. Her brand new pink plastic unicorn is tucked into bed with her. She’s sleeping with her nose as scrunched up and her little fists up by her ears. I love it when she sleeps like that. I love her best when she’s asleep, and better still when she’s awake, in spite of sundry tantrums and bitings! She is truly a gift from the God who loves us so!

In honor of tomorrow’s joyful Resurrection, of the love of Jesus for the world, and of the love of me for the Little Scribbler, I leave you with a poem I found online…

A Hundred Tears
By Sally Meyer, March, 1999
Copywrite 1999, Sally Meyer

A hundred times I told him
a hundred times and more,
“Don’t hit the dog, don’t run away
don’t throw that on the floor!”

All morning he was tireless
he never stopped to think
he broke my lamp, he spilled his milk
dumped the kitten in the sink.

He ran around the house all day
without a stitch of clothes
he flapped his hands and sang and cried
and fell and bumped his nose.

At dinner came the moment
when I’d simply had enough
he refused to eat his dinner
and that’s when I got tough.

I sent him off to bed at once
despite his tearful pleas . . .
I let him cry himself to sleep
it brought me to my knees.

When silence fell upon his room
I slowly crept inside,
and gazing on my little son
I lost my foolish pride.

A hundred tears I wept right then
a hundred tears and more
for this little child who spilled his milk
on my nice bright shiny floor.

Who am I to scold my son
for things he cannot know?
he looks to me for patience
to help him learn and grow.

A hundred prayers I said that night
a hundred prayers and more
Help me Father, teach my child
this child that I adore.

And as I left his room that night
I kissed his tears away
and promised that tomorrow
would be a better day.

The Little Scribbler is in her bathroom, in the tub, luxuriating in the warm, bubbley, plastic-boat-filled, goodness. The Auditor is futzing around for her PJ’s in the dresser (from which vantage point he can see Little Scribbler alive and well in the tub– we’re not grossly negligent parents, I swear!).

Faithful Scribbler over hears the following exchange:

The Auditor: “Hi, Cat. Meow.”

The Cat: “Meow.”

The Auditor (mumbling to himself): “finally, a captive audience…”

Silence….

Faithful Scribbler: “Um….what exactly are you doing in there?”

The Auditor: “I’m going to read the children’s bible to Little Scribbler while she is in the tub, so she can’t escape.”

Faithful Scribbler: “Ahh….I thought for a minute you were planning to impress the cat with some random display of talent.”

Too bad for Little Scribbler.

We live in an 1100 square foot apartment, which houses 2 adults, 1 child, two cats, 100000 tons of toys and books, a mini trampoline (for LS’s occupational therapy), a big plastic child’s playcar (the kind you ride in), a toy kitchen set, a baby’s crib (set up already, for NextKid) and potentially another baby within the next year. Neither my nerves nor my apartment can handle the addition of a dog– a certainly not a “white poodledoodle” which is the kind of dog Little Scribbler has decided she wants!

So anyway, Friday is her birthday. The Auditor and I have been toying with the idea of a small pet for Little Scribbler since before Christmas. She is in looooove with our two kitties, and hugs them, pets them, feeds them and generally loves up on them every. single. day. Her first word was “tikky” (kitty). We frequently go to the pet store and reptile store to visit the animals– she LOVES it!

The problem is that, at age four, she’s still much to young to care for a pet all by herself, and since The Auditor, bless his lucky soul, goes to work every day, I will be the primary caretaker for whatever small critter joins our household.

(Interesting side note– I just realized I am watching Olivia the Pig on television while I type this…and Little Scribbler is in school! I was actually enjoying the music…but I digress!)

So The Auditor gets the brilliant idea that we should get her fish. Little Scribbler has a deep and desperate love of all things aquatic. We took her to the Baltimore Aquarium a few months ago and I thought she would have a stroke she was so excited. It was all she talked about for WEEKS afterwards! That being said, I have been the primary caretaker of goldfish before and it is not picnic! You LOOK at them wrong and the water magically changed pH and BOOM! dead fish. Er….I mean “fish on vacation”!

So fish are out. Having also owned a rather crotchety hamster in my formative years, I can tell you that small rodents are DEFINITELY out. They do not enjoy cuddling, and yet, they look so cuddlable! Bad combination for Little Scribbler. Plus….they sort of smell.

Enter the Leopard Gecko. After a lengthy discussion with a Petsmart employee, I determined that the leopard gecko would be a really cool pet for a preschooler. You can feed it bugs and fruit, it doesnt need or like to be touched or held, and the…aroma, shall we say, is minimal. Plus it’s super cheap.

Enter the Auditor, who chooses NOW to weigh in on a pet he wont be resposnible for and which wont cost him a lot of money. He thinks lizards are “boring” and “dumb”. He doesnt want to shell out for the lizard. Now frankly that never stopped me before (:)), but I figure I’ll spend some time at least TRYING to convince him…

So during the course of our negotiations, someone, I honestly forget who but probably me, brought up the possibility of hermit crabs. DING DING DING! Cheap. Low maintenance. Very active so LS can watch. Don’t need to be held. Can clean the tank without touching them (WOOHOOOOOO!). PERFECT!

Now that we’ve decided to get her hermit crabs for her birthday, I begin to google.

Do you know how many ways there are to kill a $4 hermit crab?! Do you know it requires 70% humidity? Do you know every single website says something different about wether or not to give it “sand substrate”, “cali-sand substrate”, or “coconut bark mulch” substrate!? That they live happiest in groups?! That if you have five or more, they will exhibit “pack behavior”?! That they like to climb, can hang upside down off the cage lid, will kill each other over shells, are cannibalistic and will eat their tankmate if they die, bury themselves underground to mold every three months and then eat their own exoskeleton when they’re done?!

Sure, they have cute, colorful shells. SURE, they eat table food (meat and produce). SURE they make a cool chiriping noise.

But I’m starting to hyperventiliate about keeping them alive until Little Scribbler’s birthday on Friday! I’ve checked on them about 20 times in the last hour. (They havent moved. Not even one inch. They may be dead already for all I know). The cats are eyeing the tank like it’s full of delicious snacks. How can they tell there is even anythign ALIVE in there!? You can’t see them because they’re buried in their shells, they have ZERO detectable odor as far as my nose is concerned, and they havent moved an inch! I have to go pick up LS from school soon, and I’m concerned I’m going to come back to an empty tank and two very satisfied cats!

This is very stressful. Who’s brilliant idea was this, anyway?!

A lot of people have been commenting recently about some of my previous, more theologically-heavy, posts, which is GREAT! I began this blog during the season of Lent, and it seems appropriate that I’ve had an upswing of blog traffic in the last few weeks! Reading the comments has led me to re-read the topics, and brought me to the conclusion that I’m not making the effort, spiritually, that I was making this same time last year. My resolution for tomorrow is to really start to step it up again!

So thanks for reading! Thanks for commenting! I’ll have more posts forthcoming asap!

The front door opens and closes.

LS: “Where Daddy going?”

Mama: “Daddy’s going to church, to pray for the babies.” (this isn’t entirely true– Daddy is going to pray outside the abortion clinic with the area churches for 40 Days for Life, but that’s a wordy explaination for a four year old.)

LS: “I wanna pray babies too.”

Mama: “Ok, lets pray for the babies”

Little Scribbler folds her hands and bows her head very seriously.

Mama: “Dear God, Please watch over all the babies and children in the world. Keep them loved and safe. Amen.”

Little Scribbler: “Amen. My turn pray?”

Mama: “Ok, you say a prayer now.”

Little Scribbler: “Dear God, I no go bed now. Amen.”

The ADORABLE Little Scribbler is turning FOUR YEARS OLD on March 18th! In honor of her birthday (and in an effort to be more industrious with my ‘free’ time– little of it tho there may be!) I have created this delightful birthday dress!

Picture it with a long sleeved white shirt underneath because its still a bit chilly here! And without the wet area on the yoke– LS wiped her sticky, apple covered fingers on it, so it had to be spot cleaned before she even wore it!

It has several small flaws in it, but it’s the first time I’ve worked with this kind of pattern, and I’m sort of proud of it :)

(Pride goeth before the fall…yikes!)

—————————————
I got assigned this Psalm as a pennance during my last confession. It really speaks to the coming season of Lent– regenerating our hearts in the Lord! I plan to reflect upon my sins– pick one or two categories on which to really work this Lent, and cast them up to God. Lent is one of my favorite times of the liturgical year, because the traditions and sacraments we recieve during this time REALLY help develop the relationship between God and Man.

I’m looking forward to weekly Stations of the Cross, to the increased opportunities for Confession and Reconciliation, for daily Lenten prayer services. I am looking forward to sitting in a quiet church and saying the Rosary, and looking forward to attending Adoration. I am excited to have my CCD class work on their Self-Inventory worksheets, and teach them about penance and sacrifice in the name of the Lord.

Psalm 32 is really such a seasonally appropriate reading! It really speaks to the heart of the Lenten season!

(In not-completely-unrelated news, I’ve been thinking that ‘Selah’ might be a really good middle name for a baby. From what I understand, it is a Hebrew word meaning “pause and listen for God”).

The timeline to building our family–

September 2006– First meeting with adoption agency
December 2006– Approved and waiting!
January 2007– Chosen!
March 2007– Little Scribbler is born and placed in our family!
November 2008– Little Scribbler’s adoption is finalized– she is legally ours forever and always!
February 2010– We begin homestudy process for NextKid
June 2010– Still in the homestudy process, The Auditor is offered another job in a different state.
July 2010– Scribblers relocate from New York to Maryland!
November 2010– Faithful Scribbler has many conversations with many yucky adoption agencies in the Baltimore-Washington area.
December 2010– Faithful Scribbler has a WONDERFUL conversation with Catholic Charities. FS and The Auditor attend information session and file formal application
Febraury 2010– Second meeting with Catholic Charities. Second round of paperwork complete!
March 2010– Third round of paperwork in process.

This will keep those of you who have been asking up to date with our general timeline. From what we understand, we should be approved and waiting by May or June, at which point we will begin applying for grants and loans to cover placement fees for NextKid.

Our crib is already set up and we’re ready to go! NextKid– HERE WE COME!

First up– The Auditor is considering a new job he was tentatively offered. Many pros and cons lists have been drafted. Much discussion has ensued. Many sleepless nights of agonizing internal debating, tossing and turning and ‘what if?-ing’…and still no decision. The position would be newly created especially for him, and as yet, nothing formal has been offered. All that emotional energy wasted!

Second– Please pray for our nephew, aged 13, who has just decided that he may in fact be bisexual. He also went through a two day stretch of threatening suicide on the internet last week, necessitating me calling his mother at midnight and waking her up to deal with it. He’s got a laundry list of emotional problems, and from what I can discern (because I am Judgey McJudgerson) not much support or stability at home.

Third– My brother’s wife is having a baby!! But we’re not allowed to tell anybody yet because she’s not yet out of the first trimester, so I’m sitting over here stewing with all this baby excitement, crocheting tiny hats and sweaters in a variety of colors, until such time as this issue can be thoroughly discussed and explored. I WANT TO BUY BABY CLOTHES FOR MY NEICE-PHEW ALREADY!!!! Sigh. A few more weeks! :)

Fourth– The Scribbler Adoption Saga continues. We met with Catholic Charities for a second time, got a second round of paperwork, and are pressing forward. The average wait time with their agency is about one year from the time your homestudy is approved, but we are very aware that it could be much faster, or much much slower, than one year. We’ve had a little hiccup in how we’re going to pay for the homestudy (our tax refund isnt what we thought it would be because we owe the state of Maryland for municpal taxes…sigh) but we’re pressing forward anyway as of this time. Once our homestudy is done, we will continue exploring financing options. Frankly, researching financing options is pretty much how I’ve spent the last several weeks, and there are some promising programs that I’m hoping we’ll be able to work with!

I’ve already got the “nesting” instinct kicking hard, and I’m anxious to set up the crib and dig out Little Scribbler’s old baby clothes and sort through them, etc etc. I’m pretty sure this instinct is driving my husband to the verge of insanity :)

The Little Scribbler is not terribly excited about the prospect of becoming a big sister, so we’re treading lightly in that area.

Fifth– and most importantly– the Little Scribbler is having a pretty hideous time of things right now. Her bahaviors have increased to the point that some of her functionality in the world is compromised. Lots of tantruming, lots of erratic behavior, lots of aggression. About two weeks ago, we had a conference at school because of the issues occuring in the classroom, which include not just the Little Scribbler, but three other preschoolers as well. The school psychologist is going to be spending time in the classroom to try to develop behavior plans for each kiddo.

I went into school to observe her in the classroom– they have a little room with a one way mirror like a police station– and saw what really really surprised me. There was LOTS of aggression happening, and melting down, and refusal to cooperate. Where was my sunny girl, who always found such joy in such little things!? I met with the Occupational Therapist, and attended a seminar in attention disorders, autism spectrum disorders, and behavior modification.

After much self-evaluating, I think we’ve pinpointed the problem. A few months ago, LS started to really push the envelope at home with her behavior. The Auditor and I decided we needed to “lay the hammer down” and really box her in with our expectations, in the hope that if she got away with NOTHING, she would start to ” toe the line” and stop behaving so erraticly.

What we forgot is that Little Scribbler’s brain doesn’t work the way our brains do. LS has Sensory Integration Disorder, amongst other things. Her proprioceptive sense (sense of touch and body position) is ALWAYS going haywire. It is in such a heightened state that it actually suppresses her sense of vision and hearing, meaning, unless the Proprioceptive sense is satisfied, she CAN NOT pay attention to what she is seeing or hearing. By “laying down the hammer”, we were creating expectations she COULD NOT meet, becuase her Proprioceptive sense wasn’t satisfied. The constant failure was making her a nervous wreck, and she started to develop an emotional complex– every little thing, spilling milk, tripping, dropping a book, elicited a tantrum of epic proportions. I was getting so frustrated that I broke Rule Number One of Parent Little Scribbler– No Yelling. Never, Ever EVER Any Yelling. It sends her nervous system into a tailspin.

So, long story short, we needed to hit the reset button on Little Scribbler’s life. She and I BOTH needed to start over. We took four or five days, stayed home, went NOWHERE, and did only things that we thought LS could do well. Regardless of her behavior or clumsiness or tantrums, we showered her with love and comforting and compassion. We needed to build back up that trust in her that we love her unconditionally, and wont yell or become upset when she cant control herself. After a few days of that, we were able to reintroduce some limits and discipline, with MUCH better results!

Also during that time, I met with her Occupational Therapist, Dana. Dana is really awesome. She reminded me that not only do I have to be Little Scribbler’s mom, I also have to be LS’s full time special ed teacher, therapist, and laison between her and the outside world. I have to always be thinking about WHY she is having a hard time, and I always have to be stimulating her proprioceptive sense, because she CAN NOT function until that sense is satisfied. So we’ve introduced a “sensory diet” into LS’s daily activities.

In case you were wondering (and I know you probably weren’t but in case you were) there are many things you can do through out the day to satisfy your proprioceptive sense. You want the activity to give deep pressure to the body– the deeper and more consistent the pressure, the better. It’s best if the pressure is applied to the shoulders/back, the legs and feet joints, and/or the arm/shoulder joints. Some great activities to satisfy this sense are jumping on a trampoline, wearing a lightly weighted backpack, jumping rope, pedaling a bike, pushing heavy things, chewing gum, etc.

Additionally, for attention disorders, a higher protein diet is extremely helpful in leveling out the behavior without using medication. The seminar taught that somehow the way the brain breaks down protein (as opposed to carbohydrate) leads to a more stable level of seratonin in the brain throughout the day. This is actually GENIUS and has helped tremendously in the past few days!

So we’ve implemented a new “Sensory Schedule” that looks something like this:

Wake Up– Deep Pressure (calming activity like massage)
1030 am– Protein snack/ Proprioceptive Activity (stimulating like bike riding)
1145 am– Proprioceptive Activity (stimulating like bike riding) and Gum Chewing
1230-330– LS is at School
345 pm– Protein snack/ Proprioceptive Activity (stimulating like bike riding)
500 pm– Proprioceptive Activity (stimulating like bike riding)
Bed Time– Deep Pressure (calming activity like applying lotion or massage)

That is our schedule on TOP of our school schedule, our chore schedule, and our meal schedule. You know how they say kids with attention disorders thrive on routine? yeah, it’s true.

The collection and implementation of ALL this new information (and really, I’ve summarized about four textbooks worth of information into this blog post!) and new schedules has pretty much ruled my life the past two weeks. But…it’s working! It really really is! Sensory Integration Disorder comes and goes in spurts, so we’ll have to redo the testing and remodify the schedule as the months wear on, but at least we have a jumping off point!

Oh yeah, and as if that werent enough, we decided to start volunteering with the church’s High School Youth Group as a family. So now our Sunday evenings are spent with teenagers, who are actually pretty hilarious and awesome!! Their antics will probably feature heavily in future blog posts :) AND, as an added bonus, they ADORE the Little Scribbler, who has become a mascot of sorts. For some reason they call her the ‘Hot Potato’, which she thinks is so hilarious she can barely stand up!

I love my life, but MAN is it tiring!

(sorry I’ve been out of touch everybody! I’ll be back in the game pretty soon, I promise!)